he puts the penis in happiness.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
