Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
