There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
