Your face is a jimmy john
I am midnight drunk by noon
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
