I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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