so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
