My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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