They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
