I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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