then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
