you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
