my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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