Whod you bang
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
