If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
