At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
