i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
