So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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