How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
