Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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