There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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