I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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