He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
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i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
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Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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