i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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