Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
