life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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