I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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