It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
