It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher