go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
