she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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