I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
