yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
