Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
this just has baby written all over it
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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