3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
