I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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