if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
