And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
