Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
