Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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