youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
