guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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