Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
