I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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