Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
