Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
