Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
