Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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