I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
