When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
