The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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