Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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