I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The power of my boobs compel you
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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