Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You were trust falling into bushes
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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