Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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